I haven't blogged in ages and ages, which is bad... and i'm not really blogging now either, except to say that during my non-blogging moments, there's a golddigger blog that mandy (oh super famous blogger of the world that she is!) does all about what we get up to each week... it's worth a read at least to see what craziness goes down in GoldDigger world! I do love it so much, woop woop!

Anyway sleep now, it's a 9-6 jobbie in GoldDigger land tomorrow...

xxx

oooh and.... the blog is www.veryownlife.blogspot.com hehehe forgot that one!!

train writing and sheer abnormality

I’d meant to blog about this months ago, but ended up distracted and inevitably forgot and moved on… God’s just reminded me in the lovely way that he does sometimes whilst I’m on the train from Sheffield to Liverpool and so I thought I’d blog away whilst I have the chance.

I was reflecting on when I was a teenager and first really got into events and the Christian sub-culture that I find so aggravating and fascinating and about the major mission statement that my Christian friends and i lived out in those years. Often, I have the privilege of teaching, preaching, discerning the direction and messages that God wants to speak at events, and along with the fun and privilege of that, I’m also greatly aware of that responsibility. For all the negative consumer connections, I still think there is so so much worth in conferences like new wine, spring harvest, soul survivor and the like, to excite, enthuse, teach and really demonstrate to those around us what it is to really follow Jesus, and it’s very exciting to be involved in leading the next generation.

So it gets me thinking about the message, the mission statement we bring. For me this year, I thought new wine really hit the mark by looking at Luke 4 and the core manifesto that Jesus had. We took the focus away from the big ol’ club of Christians, we’re safe here, mentality… away from teachings on how to receive what YOU need from God, and really focused on the poor, the needy, the imprisoned, the hungry, the real good news of the gospel… and I hope and pray that the 1000 or so young people who heard that message for a week will have had their lives utterly transformed, and their perception of being a Christian turned on its head.

But back to my old youth group… and most I ever met.

If I think about it, one of the overwhelming messages that we lived by.

“Lets show people that Christians are normal”.

We spent so much time, energy, events, missions, and conversations trying to show our friends that us Christians, we’re normal really. Yeah we love God and believe in that guy Jesus, but we’re normal honestly, we shop in the same places you do, we listen to the same kind of music (its just ours is written by this guy called Tim Hughes) we still go out, we still have fun… we’re just like you really….

And we wonder why people weren’t interested.

We spent so long showing how the jesus life doesn’t cost that much, at being normal to not put people off, that we squashed the jesus life into our normal lives, when really we needed to mould our normal lives into the radical jesus life that we’re called to lead.

It upsets me so much every time I hear someone describe being a Christian as “well that’s fine for you, its just not for me” like it’s the difference between shopping in Primark or not. The idea that it’s a lifestyle option to be fitted in where applicable, that “its up to you really” and that this has seeped down into our ideology.

We spent so long trying to prove that we’re really normal, that we lost almost everything that made us different.

We tried to sell Jesus in acceptable, unobtrusive packaging, when the whole point is that he’s anything but that.

We decide that people may just fall into the Jesus life because its not obtrusive, rather than living our lives in a way that utterly provokes and confuses. If we honestly and truly lived the Jesus life, we should be so utterly different to our society. Our values and attitudes and activities should be so different that it calls people to see that there is more to life.

Following Jesus should massively change the food we buy, the places we go, the films we see… by making ourselves just like everyone else, we lost so much of the essence that made the Jesus life special, that made it a worthwhile decision.

When did controversial become a bad thing?

I was provoked and reminded about all this today when reading Shane Claiborne’s difference between normal and ordinary.

We are ordinary; we’re not exceptional except that we have the Living God working within us daily. But we are never normal… we are never the secular option, never accepting “that’s the way it is”, but constantly embracing the abnormality that living for Jesus brings.

God, help me to never ever be normal. And NEVER make you normal.

the battle of the C's.... (think you've got to say that one out loud!)

So i've been meaning to write this post for a few days, but GoldDigger life is busy and tiring (which is great) and so I've put it off for no meaningful reason more than it being less effort to make a cup of tea and slump in front of the tv :)

I find Christian fluff really interesting. Really i should develop a better analogy, but really i mean the stuff that isn't integral, isn't the core elements of knowing Jesus as the true saviour of the world and our lives, isn't the core beliefs that should unite or divide us.... but the fluff that gets stuck to that. The politics and the running of churches, the cultures and the attitudes, the "celebrity" and compromise... the stuff that makes the Bride of Christ such a messed up and beautiful creation.

Si and I were talking last week about the wonderful Shane Claiborne (who if you haven't already, you need to hear speak or read one of his books...) and the absolute integrity that he has in living the Jesus life. In sacrificially loving, in seriously sharing everything he has, in rebuking the capitalist systems of our society and truly serving the poor... to the extent of not driving a car, making his own clothes and living off about £80 a month.

Recently Shane was in the UK speaking at Holy Trinity Brompton's church weekend away and Si mentioned how interesting it would be to hear what he had to say, especially in the context of speaking to one of the richest churches in Britain... to a church based in Kensington surrounded by the system that Claiborne so pushes against.

So in my usual google-researching state (Rach, i know you'll be laughing at me by now!) I found all the talks he gave for free download within about a minute and they've been accompanying me on my bus journeys this week as i've travelled to schools meetings and work.

They're really worth checking out and make me realise so much each time about the God that we serve... but throughout i've found it really interesting to look at what he's said, knowing he's speaking to the HTB crowd.

Now don't get me wrong, i think HTB is a brilliant church but i wondered how Shane "head of the no, sell everything you have and give it to the poor wasn't jesus being impractical" Claiborne would speak to the numerous high flyers and million pound homers of HTB.

I wondered if he'd just forcibly tell them that anything above living as the least of these was wrong, if he'd go straight at the elephant in the room and just directly preach to that crowd to convict them of their materialism, if he'd avoid it all together and just keep people happy (I didn't think that one for very long, playing safe really isn't his style!) or if he'd guilt them into them financially supporting a lot of other things.

But as i listened an reflected on the 97, i realised that directly telling them that they're wrong probably wouldn't be the right way about it. And not saying anything as not to offend would, well, leave him with not a lot to say. But it made me think about how we approach situations when we know that people or circumstances are not truly living up to the fullness that God offers.

Too often we jump in, convict people of their "sin", tell them our doctrinal views on the situation and how it's not possible to serve God whilst they... waste money/sleep with their boyfriend/don't go to church/gossip/ignore the poor/feel comfortable in their little christian life.... We attack and approach with all guns blazing, to convict and rebuke... because that's what we're meant to do right?!

But how different is it when we challenge? When we understand and speak out truths of possibilities, when we inspire others to live in the fullness of God and to carry their cross daily, when we give people the opportunity to call into question their lives and situations themselves, rather than pointing out each other's failings?

I can think of the times when people have tried to convict me.... to tell me that i'm wrong or bad or selfish and all it caused me to do was put up my barriers. To attack back and to bury my feet deeper as to prove my point.

But when I'm challenged, when I'm inspired, by someone's actions and life and sheer love for Jesus... then i want to change. I love the idea of living in community, of practically serving those around me in every way i can... not because i've been told i should, but because i'm encouraged and inspired.

We aren't called to convict. That's never been our job. Maybe sometimes we don't have the faith to believe that God'll convict that person in his time... or that we just don't think his time will come around soon enough! But we are called to love, to inspire and to challenge through the things we do and say.

I realised that at HTB, Shane's approach was so much more effective by inspiring those gathered to truly serve God with everything they have, rather than just telling them that they're wrong. There's so much I can learn from that, from learning to always challenge rather than attempting to convict. And remembering that the battle is never mine.

I'll take the Vera Wang please...

I just wrote a whole blog and deleted it.... but the title remains, so i'll let you mentally speculate to it's topic :)

On a similar vein though, I'm moving to sheffield in 6 days... it's pretty exciting but starting to dawn on me now too what is about to happen! People keep talking about saying goodbye and things and it all seems a bit weird, i think in my head i'm equating it to when i've moved away before, but in the past i always knew i was going temporarily... i knew Liverpool was still home and that i was just having a room somewhere else for a few months. But it's starting to kick in that this is potentially the start of a whole new life, or at least a big chapter.

I said goodbye to Heidi this morning (my best friend's 3 year old daughter and the light of my life..i don't think i could love that kid more than i do!) and getting a big hug off her and promising to at least see her at Christmas was pretty sad. And it's more sad knowing that her little sister, Violet, isn't going to grow up knowing me like Heids does. Heidi's been my little girl ever since she was 6 months old and i used to dance around the kitchen to get her to sleep when she cried on everyone else, it's going to be sad missing out on that with Vi-Li, but i guess we'll get used to it! But we've hatched plans to visit lots and send pictures and Heid's said she'll make sure she talks to me on the phone too (that'll be funny at least... "Excuse me Auntie beth..." means she wants something :-) ) and so I hope they'll at least grow up knowing who I am, even if it is just as someone who visits and plays with them every few months.

The crazy thing with moving is I have no clue how my life is going to pan out in a few years time, or even really in 6 months time! It's scary and incredible to know that this time next year, my life could be completely different, in a way that i could never predict.

I love living this Jesus-life... of living on the edge but trusting that God's got plans for me. I just pray and hope that i can live further on the edge in the future... how can i do more so serve people? How can i really make a difference? I never want to get to the stage where I think i've done enough... that i've done my bit by being in GoldDigger. But i want to constantly be challenged to do more, to bring Good News to the poor in whatever way that inhabits itself, to truely learn what it is to love people unconditionally, to live a life fully infused by Jesus.... now that is exciting.

I'm constantly amazed at how God uses such a confused, jumbled up person as me... but then that's kind of the point I guess. And so i'm looking forward to the new challenges, to new houses and new friends and new offices and new everything, but the same God- knowing that he is my constant, yesterday, today or tomorrow, Liverpool or Sheffield, single or attached, poor or rich, valley or mountain top... and that truly is an amazing thing.

it's all number games really

Ahh, my regular blogging thing didn't really happen... oh well, but i shall attempt to try and be good and blog more regularly!

So life has built up ALOT over the last month, i've had

TWO photoshoots

ONE amazing life-changing week at New Wine

TWO nights in Kent whilst playing at Lark in the Park

FOUR songs sung at a wedding, which paid me a lot more than four pounds!

FIVE (ish) nights in Sheffield... and possibly the last five nights in a very long time of staying with other people :)

THREE different churches in Liverpool

ONE GoldDigger gig in Sheffield

NUMEROUS days and evenings spent just hanging out with mates

and now i'm facing THREE weeks of nothing.... like there's one thing in my diary currently, that's it.

I'm not great at having no purpose, even if it is for just a week. Now i know there's lots of GoldDigger things i need to be getting on with, and I should be sewing a fancy dress costume right now (this in fact is an impromptu break after getting into a text conversation that drew me away from the sewing machine) but something i've been learning for a while is that i really thrive in structure... not regime mind... i'm not great for getting up at 7am every morning and all that, but knowing what i'm doing when really helps me get my life into order.

So really i need to be very proactive and get myself lots of work so that i can be doing that once i arrive in Sheffield....

Because, indeed, i move house in 25 days... YEAHH! I'm moving in with the lovely Andy Baker, and Ben (who i've yet to meet except through the world of facebook and twitter but who i'm sure is equally as lovely) in Sheffield... ahh it's going to be so great having my own bed to come home to after gigs and GoldDigger stuff. Mandy and Rach (and their families!) have been so so so so so incredible in having me kip on their floors/spare beds/children's beds for the last 9 months or so but it's a major step being able to just have my own base in Shef.. to not have to pack EVERYTHING i could need into a big suitcase, only to realise the top i really need is still in my wardrobe at home when i arrive... it's going to be such a blessing to have a house!

So i'm really looking forward to the move, to making new friends, to getting completely lost, to having to depend on God for finances, to finding a new church, to getting really stuck into GoldDigger, to finding some part time work to keep me going financially.... I'm excited!!

well faithful macbook is about to die... but at least i blogged and God's massively challenging me on some stuff at the moment around worship and justice but that'll have to wait for another day :)

designer doll factory...

So i'm not going to blog about the obvious... not really something for public forum i think.. but yeah, i'm ok, i'm not great, but i'm ok....

But tonight I watched some of the "adult season" on BBC Three... (something which probably needs clarifying as a season of shows looking at teenagers living adult lives, teen pregnancy and all that... rather than Adult in a very different way, I think Bruno filled my life quota of exposure to that for me!) Anyway, i was reminded of a blog i'd written on here a few years ago about how sick beauty pageants are after watching little miss sunshine.

Tonight's programme was all about british child beauty pageants and followed 3 little girls (two aged 9 and one aged 7) and their mothers as they entered britain's first american style competition for kids.

It breaks my heart to see these children, already consumed by the idea that they are imperfect, ugly and with a need to try and prove themselves and how this quest for acceptance always leaves them in a place of rejection and insecurity when their (or should i say their mothers!) dream isn't fulfilled. When another kid is decided to be "more" beautiful, talented, wanted, acceptable than they are.

But what really angered me in this programme was not just the horrendous idea of these pageants, or even watching a child cling onto her teddy bear as she cries with the pain of her mother plucking her eyebrows, but was the fact that the mother in question was a Christian.

In my head, I always justify the crazy southern american families who do these pageant things and talk about Jesus as southern baptist kooks... the stereotypical republican, bible belt, gun owning fake blondes, who still believe that Obama is a terrorist because it sounds rather like Osama.... the people who if i'm honest, are at the back of the queue of people I want to meet when we get to heaven.

But this family were British, evangelicals... singing the same songs we sing, in a church who's website advertises some great ministries and projects- and it annoyed me more that these people could honestly go on and on about how much God supported them because of the dodgy prosperity gospel that they had somehow inhaled.

What kind of God are they presenting to a 9 year old by getting her up the front of church to talk about how pretty she is and to pray for her success in a beauty contest? And what kind of God is she depending on when she doesn't win and is obviously crushed? To bring a 9 year old up believing that she must enter beauty pageants because God's gifts to her are her "pretty face and attitude" rather than building on a real foundation that she is a cherished and loved child of God... ahh it makes me sick.

1 peter 3 says...Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

This is one of my favourite scriptures, not because i'm anti- make up and pretty clothes, of course not, but because it talks about that not being where our worth is found- and I really pray that both that little girl, and her mum and sister come to understand this in the fullness of God's amazing grace.

It made me think about how the church is and I automatically was so critical of this church who would get a child out in front of 500 odd people to pray for her success in a beauty pageant, but it made me then wonder actually, how often do we stand up and say "THATS NOT RIGHT"?? I wondered how a church could do that without understanding the false values it was reinforcing in a child, and it convicted me of my own lack of speaking up.

Recently one of my own young people entered a beauty contest (albeit at 18 and with more knowledge of what she's doing) and i felt quite caught in what to say when she asked me to vote for her... as someone who is so heavily against beauty pageants and what they stand for, the idea of financing and encouraging this was something i knew i would never do... but this programme makes me realise that just not supporting it isn't enough. Without investing alternative wisdom, I could see the same situation happening in my church... where no one is prepared to say, "no we're not going to corporately pray for that, it's not right". And so maybe this all challenges me some more, maybe God is pushing me to say something, and to invest real truth into young, beautiful women of God, rather than false hopes and agendas that the world sets.

ouch.

that hurts.

curiouser and curiouser...

I keep meaning to blog in a more regular fashion- we'll see how this goes... but i'm going to try and blog at least once a week on the activity (or inactivity as it may be) of my life. So here we go...

This is me right now...

Today is a nice day, and a slightly sad one. The blue background means i'm currently sat on Jim's bed, whilse he's gone to record some vocals after bringing me a lovely cup of tea this morning. I'm facing a 6 hour or so journey up to Sheffield later which makes me sad (both at the prospect of leaving the for-now normality of Jim being around and the fatigue inducing train journeys) but does mean that tomorrow will be a very exciting day. More about that, well... tomorrow.

This week has been nice to chill and finally do a tiny bit of writing. Creativity has never been a problem for me, i'm an ideas person, especially when it comes to performance centred arts, but ask me to write a song and i'll suddenly get rather embarrassed. Me, God and my piano are the only things that get to hear what i write normally... but with new GoldDigger material needing to be written in the coming months and being spurred on with some inspiration from the wonderful Andy Baker, i wrote some stuff in the shower.

Normally that would be it, but i decided to overcome my fears, sing it into my handy macbook so that i wouldn't forget... show a few friends who made approving type noises and slightly open my mind to the idea that it may not ALL be absolute rubbish.

The handy thing with having an overly talented boyfriend of course is that when i pluck up the courage to show him, and he doesn't look appalled and offended, is that he picks up one of the many guitars off his wall and records two guitar parts for it ... like that. There being the reason we leave the songwriting to him... but still, slowly overcoming some barriers in my creative life this week. which is nice.

Now chances are, you (oh mysterious you who reads my blog!) will probably never hear this song... but i'd like to think it at least leads to one day you hearing another. Creativity is so much about confidence i think... confidence in the fact that i could, just could, be half decent- and confidence that means you can get back up and try again if its not. For me, this is developing... and this week was a good shuffle towards that.

But for now... here is an amazing video to probably one of my major songs of 2009- the first Sara song i started playing.... go put the kettle on and enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3mKQT08_rk

(and at some point i'll bother figuring out how to embed you tube clips... i know it's easy but meh..)

loves xx

knocking...

People (well about two people, really no one else reads this thing!) keep telling me to blog... however, the longer i leave it, the more i feel that i should have something eloquent and interesting to say, which leads to never really blogging at all :)

So here i am, mini life update since March....

*I've two weeks left at my job in the Old Roan (and almost one week of that is on holiday too!!) I'm not sure how I'll feel once I've left, there are some massive things i won't miss, but some things i really will too... It's been 18 months of investing in young people and feeling like it hasn't really got us anywhere, but looking back, some real changes have occur ed. This Tuesday God really rewarded me with an awesome conversation with my one real success story... 

I set out 18 months or so ago with a plan to create strategy for the youth work at the church, to link the outreach and the Sundays, to create a situation where young people we meet off the streets can end up in the church and in a relationship with Jesus in a way that is easy for them to follow. And it's been so difficult. But this Tuesday i sat with this 14 year old girl, played connect four and we had an honest discussion about how we go about living for Jesus. I met her just over a year ago when her and her friend would come and drop in, giggle and leave at our youth drop in cafe. Now I've seen her  walk from there through a youth residential where she took the first steps towards exploring Christianity, a 4 months of a youth alpha course, a response at a youth event to the gospel and a year of chatting about mundane life things each week into being part of our church youth cell, reading her bible and exploring what it really means to be a Christian and thinking seriously about how she wants to go about it. God is good! 

But that doesn't mean it's not gutting to think of the others who didn't get it, who rejected it, or who generally just didn't really care. Its hard to walk away from some, knowing they need someone to walk through the next few yeas with them, and not knowing if anyone will do that. But I trust in a God who is much bigger than me and my little life plans, who's already got it sorted, and that's so exciting. 

*I'm travelling up and down the country at the moment, for meetings, GoldDigger things and most influentially, a boy. I love Spring Harvest, it's one of the best weeks of my year i think, and this year was topped off by meeting a pretty lovely guitar boy who i discounted for practicalities sake... he didn't, thankfully, and even though it makes my life pretty hectic at times, it's totally worth it right now. I have no real clue how this works in the future of course, but that's normally a good thing, it's when i start making plans that God changes everything anyway :) 

And he must be pretty special if i can manage to overlook the fact that he's a united fan... sheesh.

*I preached to a whole adult church last week for the first time... it was pretty darn scary actually, stepping out of my comfort zones in terms of content. Really being challenged at the moment on knowing my bible... and how little i do know in comparison. But i love really exploring things that God's done and continues to do, he's pretty clever really that God fella.

*I've nowhere to live in Sheffield yet, and not really anyway to pay to live either! But trusting it'll happen... sooner rather than later would be great though :) I'm excited about this season in my life, but also just being reminded that it really isn't about what we're DOING sometimes. 

I divide my life up so much into what I'm practically doing, and already I'm aware of wondering how long this season with GoldDigger will last in my life and what God will do next... but actually, these worries are so insignificant sometimes. Tonight we were looking at having a perspective of eternity, about how much the bible talks about watching and waiting for Jesus to come back. I spend so much of my time doing, i never stop and do any watching, and I'm pretty sure that's not something I'd want to miss... so whilst we work, its finding that good balance of doing the here and now and keeping our eyes focused on heaven, where in comparison, our stresses in life are so pathetic. 

So there lies a quick overview of my month or so, less ground breaking or emotionally put as usual, but still, writers block sometimes needs breaking. 

x

not quite the perfect year....

Wow... so i just read my old blog... realising that I haven't written anything in nearly 14 months... gosh how things have changed.

And i was all fired up to write something groundbreaking and reflective on the last year or so, until it took me over an hour to remember my log in details, (I didn't, i just reset in the end!) And now i'm not sure i'm feeling so empowered and literate :) SO we'll see what happens...

It's crazy to see the things that have changed since i last posted...

I'm coming to the end of the new job and new church this year, having learnt alot, been incredibly frustrated, cried a few times, made some quality friends, made myself an office, told alot of kids about jesus and realised that church based youth work is great... but isn't God's calling on my life right now.

The "wonderful" man who i couldn't imagine being without... well he walked away a while after i stopped blogging. And I've finally learnt to live with it and move on... feeling wiser and after a very very long time of being heartbroken, finally being able to trust that there's something better in store... that which only time will tell :) But i'm excited about the future and what it'll bring- i look forward to the day of reading this blog and laughing with the guy i'll marry about how much crap i talked about being "in love" before i met him! 

And the big main emphasis of the blog was Gurl... something which is probably the subconscious reason i stopped blogging. Weeks after my last post, it all kind of fell apart, leaving me pretty hurt and confused. 

I've spent the last year wondering what God's got for me, knowing where i was really wasn't IT, but not knowing where IT was and if i found IT, would they even want me. 

Well i think i might have found where God wants me to be for now... a prayer i've had for a long time... for a wandering scouser to get some roots for a little while. 

A few weeks ago i officially became the new member of GoldDigger... a girls ministry working with teenage girls, particularly through music and dance as part of its girlband. Looking back over this blog makes me realise how God's been getting me ready for this for so long, to sing, to dance, to minister to girls, to run events, to use the crazy amount of networking i do, to tell girls who are really hurting all about a God who thinks they're great just the way they are, and to empower them to be the girls they want to be, not what the media and boys and their friends tell them they should.

God's pretty awesome.

Amongst the massive changes, its fun to look back at the little things. Blogging about Heidi making pig noises... when now at nearly 3, she sits down and has a proper little conversation with me... and this week introduced me to her two day old sister... Violet. My prayer that these little girls, and the hundreds of teenagers i meet, will grow up to be confident, assured and complete women of God, understanding who he made them to be, and living in all the fullness of that. There's a good amount that we can do but its all worthless without God, and its all meaningless too... So God, i give it all to you again. May there be too many stories of transformation to tell in another years time.

Beths xx

(I may keep on blogging regularly though... so stay with us... and check out www.veryownlife.blogspot.com, its the GoldDigger supporter's blog).

Alot has happened in the last 4 months...

I can't believe it's this long since i blogged, but i just haven't felt like it for a while, and while becomes more than a while and well....

In some ways i feel like i've spent the last 4 months standing still, but on reflection, my life has changed so much since october, i'm not even sure where to begin! Since i last wrote, i've met a guy whose not only turned my world upside down and who i can't imagine ever being without, but who has also taught me to value myself and shown me what it's like to be loved and wanted, despite my massive faults and failings. Who stands and prays for me in a way i could have never imagined and who constantly encourages me to challenge everything i think. I've moved to a church whose vision blows me away, whose faith and commitment is only rivaled by their crazy belief in me as a youth worker, and the possibilities with working for them are scary but incredible too. My friendships have grown and changed, and i have a core of gorgeous people all over the country who i know accept me for who i am, and who will support and pray for me and i know i'll do the same. I've got incredible prospects coming up and i'm excited and scared all at once, but i trust God's got it all in his hands.
The other side is that the last few months have been at times, so so so lonely, and alot of the time, i feel like i've wasted the potential they held, and i've really struggled. Not only in not having anything to do, but in the way i feel about myself and the disbelief i have. I'm being challenged at the moment about how jesus says we should love others like ourselves, yet that's so difficult when you dislike the person you are so much. And i know some people will judge me for saying such a thing, and will think that i'm in no place to lead others when i dislike myself so much, but right now, i'm living in the promise of Hebrews 10, that by the sacrifice of Jesus, i am made perfect in the eyes of God, and so, although i'm the first to admit, i'm nowhere near sorted... I'm also not where i was, and that if God thinks i can do it and he gives me the tools and opportunites, who am i (or even you?) to say he's wrong?! I'm thinking outloud, but i know God's refining me, and thats not down to my deeds or gifting, but down to his immesurable grace.... and i don't know about you, but thats enough for me.

"look at me, I'm a princess..."

Today i went round to my friend's, Katie and Dave's, for tea and "a play" with their very funny, and very energetic kids, Jacob (who's 5 and is actually a child genius) and Erin (who's 3 going on 35, and is the biggest flirt in the world). I had a great time chatting to Katie, who is just one of those people i wish i was more like, and ticking the kids, inbetween reading Jacob a book about trains (he's obsessed), making krispy cakes with cherrios instead, playing our new falling over game and generally having the kind of fun you can only have when surrounded by the very small.

After tea, Erin decided to show me her dancing, which involved her twirling around the room in her "pretty dress" (her favorite activity of the moment is getting changed into different "pretty" clothes) waving her hands in the air and giggling to MaryMary classics and "never smile at a croccodile". Normally i have to join in, but today as i watched her and told her she was very good, she stopped, grinned at me and declared,

"look at me Beth, I'm a princess!"

I grinned back and told her that yes, she was a princess, and prayed that she'd never forget it.
As she carried on dancing, i thought about how self assured this gorgeous litle blonde girl was, about how she never doubted herself, that she giggled with joy and not self conciousness, that she saw no problem whatsoever in flashing her knickers to the world and enjoying every day as it comes. She never worries that she's unloved and in return, loves everyone back, not worrying about guarding herself incase she gets hurt. Erin turned to katie earlier, whe she told her that i was coming for tea and said, "yay, i love beth. beth loves me doesnt she mummy!?" in a way that showed that she didn't doubt me for a second, just wanted to show off how much she was loved. To Erin, nothing is impossible.

God's been quitely speaking to me recently about being child-like, and although i'm not looking at flashing my knickers regularly, i want to learn to be more like Erin. To live in the knowledge of knowing that i am the daughter of THE king, to believe that i am a princess, even when i'm in my scruffy jeans and hoodie. That no matter how scuffed and battered i get, he will always love me and so what have i got to lose?

Isn't it great when you get really excited about something???!

One of the big ways that God pointed me back towards Gurl was that it really excites me (even when i'm bored and can't be bothered!) It's so easy to get bogged down in the marshyness of it all being too scary, but God just reminds me sometimes to get off my bum and do stuff. I've been so lazy recently, not being motivated to do anything, but i'm realising that i've got to be disciplined with it- even when i don't feel like getting out of bed.

Tomorrow i'm teaching small people to dance, high school musical stylee! it's going to be great! (i hope.. things don't get to be rubbish when you're getting paid!!!)

anyway i must sleep, blog properly soon xxx

I promise i haven't forgotten, life's just been abit busy without anything to write about recently!!

Hope to see you all soon xx

ENFP... sounds like a sports network...

According to www.mypersonality.info, this is me! about 12 months ago, Matthius Littlium (everyones getting harry potter names tonight, its 2.30am!) had us all do these tests, and i'm sure i wasn't a ENFP, so either i've changed, or my memories have! I think, according to this thing, i've got nicer and stopped being so mean to people, which is abit worrying- i hope i haven't gone soft!! We'll see at the next space if i've turned into a pushover event manager!! :( i quite enjoy kickin ass for jesus sometimes!!!!!!!!

But interestingly, musical, interpersonal and intrapersonal are my "mulitple intelligences"- and not hugely surprised that maths isn't, when i can only just do the moderate sudoku's in the telegraph!! I thought i'd be higher verbally than kinestheltically, but then again, when i run out of words, i tend to dance. I'm abit shy with it though, so your unlikely to see my pray through dancing about unless you know me reeeeeeeeeeally well or not at all (and so i don't care what you think!) Strange that, how you let others perception limit you because you don't want to cause a scene. maybe i am going soft....


but for now, i need to try and figure out how to make the pig noise heidi does... she's only 1 and she's better than me already at things!!! so, in the words of heidi earlier tonight... *whispers* goodnight.