Alot has happened in the last 4 months...

I can't believe it's this long since i blogged, but i just haven't felt like it for a while, and while becomes more than a while and well....

In some ways i feel like i've spent the last 4 months standing still, but on reflection, my life has changed so much since october, i'm not even sure where to begin! Since i last wrote, i've met a guy whose not only turned my world upside down and who i can't imagine ever being without, but who has also taught me to value myself and shown me what it's like to be loved and wanted, despite my massive faults and failings. Who stands and prays for me in a way i could have never imagined and who constantly encourages me to challenge everything i think. I've moved to a church whose vision blows me away, whose faith and commitment is only rivaled by their crazy belief in me as a youth worker, and the possibilities with working for them are scary but incredible too. My friendships have grown and changed, and i have a core of gorgeous people all over the country who i know accept me for who i am, and who will support and pray for me and i know i'll do the same. I've got incredible prospects coming up and i'm excited and scared all at once, but i trust God's got it all in his hands.
The other side is that the last few months have been at times, so so so lonely, and alot of the time, i feel like i've wasted the potential they held, and i've really struggled. Not only in not having anything to do, but in the way i feel about myself and the disbelief i have. I'm being challenged at the moment about how jesus says we should love others like ourselves, yet that's so difficult when you dislike the person you are so much. And i know some people will judge me for saying such a thing, and will think that i'm in no place to lead others when i dislike myself so much, but right now, i'm living in the promise of Hebrews 10, that by the sacrifice of Jesus, i am made perfect in the eyes of God, and so, although i'm the first to admit, i'm nowhere near sorted... I'm also not where i was, and that if God thinks i can do it and he gives me the tools and opportunites, who am i (or even you?) to say he's wrong?! I'm thinking outloud, but i know God's refining me, and thats not down to my deeds or gifting, but down to his immesurable grace.... and i don't know about you, but thats enough for me.